laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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