Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
