we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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