my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize