New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
