Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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