I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
