why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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