Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
