Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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