I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
