I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
