You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
