Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
