you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
