I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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