he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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