we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
