He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
