i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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