Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
