I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
