there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's the barista slut.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
