dude i'm inner monologue high
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
