I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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