mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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