Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
