My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
