My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
