My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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