Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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