tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
