6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
