I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
