When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The air was thick with penises
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
