Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Randomize
