dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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