dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
