i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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