A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
