I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
