they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
