You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
