highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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