my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
