you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
