Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Congratulations! We have a period
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