Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
