Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize