An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
