i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
