Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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