I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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