im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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