The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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